Monday, May 26, 2008

Another failed dieting day

I should preface this by saying I had 4 days of smart and healthy eating choices before I crashed.

Yesterday we had ourselves a big old family barbecue at my house. Short ribs, spicy pork, steak, hot dogs and vegetables all went on my grill. Yes my grill. I am the griller in the house. Da Man does not grill, unless you consider burnt things barbecued. Weirdly enough, I love to grill. Something about standing in front of hot flames watching your food cook is very satisfying to me. And the taste, muy magnifico!

But when you invite a whole lot of people to your house, they usually show up with extra stuff, like fruit salad, wine, beer and dessert. And the rule at a barbecue is that you eat until you explode. And yes, I exploded. I started with a nice Corono light to drink as I grilled, I ended in a food coma on my sofa.

I tried talking to my stomach.

"Now Cupcake! (my girls named my stomach pooch, Cupcake) I need for you to behave! You only need that one plate of food."

Three plates of food later, I'm wrestling Cupcake away from the chocolate covered cream puffs that Da Man bought to torture me with.

Now let me explain. My plates of food are nowhere near as full as other peoples plates. Because I cannot have different types of food touching on my plate. Fruit cannot touch my meats and veggies. Dessert must be on a separate plate. Condiments must stay in their perfect little corners. Bread must be unsoggy and protected from all other items on my plate. And God forbid if some pickle juice taints any of my other foods! However, it is amazing how much food I can pile into discrete non-touching piles.

Angered by my forcible separation from the dessert table, Cupcake started hitting on the chocolate covered cream puffs telepathically.

"Hey little babettes of chocolate covered goodness, why don't you roll on over here so I can lick some of that creamy goodness all over my belly."

The cream puffs giggled coquetishly all the while exposing their rich chocolate glazed silky smoothness.

In alarm I tried to have an exorcism, "Evil Cupcake, foul beast! By the Power of Christ, Begone Wretched Eating Demon!"

Cupcake just looked up at me and said, "Bitch, get your fat ass over to those cream puffs and feed me some of their luscious goodness before I have to give you some serious intestinal pain."

Round 2 to Cupcake. Tomorrow I shall institute a truce of some kind. But today, we are battling Round 3 over the Carvel ice cream cake currently sitting in my freezer.

**************

*** Don't forget to come Wednesday for a discussion and Q&A session with Dr. Gigi Durham, author of The Lolita Effect, The Media Sexualization of Young Girls and What we can Do About It.***

22 comments:

JaneyV said...

Oh Ello it does my heart good to come visit you. i had a BBQ on Sunday (Hubby's birthday on 28th - had the family down) and I ate enough meat to feed a mountain lion, 2 platesfull of roasted veg and couscous, tomato and feta salad, new potatoes roasted in garlic and rosemary and then some more meat. When I was ready to explode I had garlic bread and more beer. It was so disappointing that I couldn't fit in any lettuce.

As I cleaned up they all scarfed down the strawberries, cream, chocolate sauce and icecream, otherwise I might have done a Mr Creosote and exploded - literally.

McKoala said...

Don't think of it as a failure, just a day off. Everybody needs a break from routine, or lettuce, sometimes.

SzélsőFa said...

Hilarious, Ello.
*sneaks away into kitchen*

writtenwyrdd said...

I think that if you do not indulge occasionally, you will feel cheated and fail at the diet. Or perhaps I am projecting my own passion for overeating along with my excuse for doing so upon you?

Anyhow, I've posted about your talk tomorrow. I'm busy so I doubt I can come by.

strugglingwriter said...

"Because I cannot have different types of food touching on my plate. "
That's totally me! I can't stand it when my foods touch. Icky!

We grilled yesterday but didn't eat as much for two reasons. #1, my daughter was walking everywhere and we had trouble finding time to put anything in our mouths. #2, it was so windy our food kept blowing away!

Hilarious post.

Patti said...

cupcake and chipotle are destined to be friends.

Sarah Hina said...

Priceless, Ello.

Cupcake is a force to be reckoned with. I think you better do what she commands...

I often think that if it weren't for family get-togethers, there would be a lot less pooches in the world. But what fun would that be? ;)

Demon Hunter said...

LOL. I was invited to a barbeque but didn't stick around to eat too much. Ice cream and cheesecake are my downfalls as far as sweets go. :*)

I'll be by tomorrow...

cindy said...

damn.

i love cupcakes.

so much so that i named my mini schnauzer cupcake.

hang in there ello, weekends and get togethers are hard! i try my best to be good during the week--weekends are a free for all. =)

March to the Sea said...

how could you POSSIBLE diet on a long weekend??!

Larramie said...

Bet Cupcake is counting the days to July 4th! :o)

Charles Gramlich said...

The cupcake always wins in the end. It's a law of chocolodynamics.

The Anti-Wife said...

I had tea, toast and soup. Can I come to your next cookout?

blogless troll said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. You did drink Corona Light, after all. If that's not a diet then I have to come up with all new rationalizations for myself.

Lisa said...

I think it all comes down to science. Charles is a scientist and believe he knows what he's talking about :)

Mom In Scrubs said...

Totally hilarious!! And I have to ask, If you don't want your food touching on your plate (like me), do you also eat only one thing at a time (like me)? For example, the macaroni salad must be completely gone before I start on the ribs, etc.

I'll die laughing if you do.

pjd said...

Wow, Da Man even gets out of cooking when the cooking is done outdoors? I am the least macho of virtually anyone I know, but in our circle of friends a man who does not manage his own grill would never be "Da Man." "Da Wuss" perhaps. Or maybe even, "Da Wife." (No offense, Da Man.)

I routinely experiment with the grill. By which I mean I routinely discover what food tastes like after it's been set on fire.

Nice job capturing the exact scene of a typical American barbecue.

Robin S. said...

Hey El-

I posted what I'd mentioned to you. It ties in a bit with tomorrow's discussion.

See ya tomorrow here on your book review/talk.

Ello said...

Thank you thank you to all! Yes, I ate enough food to feed a small country. Yes I agree it is ok to be an absolute hippo once in awhile - unfortunately, I do think I overdid it for the entire weekend! Yes trying to diet over a holiday weekend is a ridiculous exercise. Yes, cupcake would like to befriend all stomach pooches out there! Yes, cupcake is a force to be reckoned with. Yes I am bizarre and can't have the foods touching but NO, I do not eat things one at a time. I actually like to eat in rounds. Eat a bite off of one pile, eat off the next and next, etc. Like a bloody merry-go-round. Yes Da Man is a Wussy boy when it comes to grilling - but honestly I am more manly in this area.

And I wish I could invite you all to a barbecue at my house and feed you lots of food! And you could watch me in all my bizarreness!

ORION said...

um...did someone tell cupcake that all those food groups get all mushed up together in the end?

But overeating on holidays?
It's a national tradition!

I'm only grateful that ORION stayed afloat.

Mary Witzl said...

My stomach does this too, Ello. It's been pestering me endlessly to go find the raisin-and-toasted-almond milk chocolate bar that I have hidden in the cupboard. And like my kids, it doesn't pay me the least bit of mind.

When I was a kid, watching my father pile great heaps of food on his plate, coleslaw mixing with refried beans, corn chips, rice, salad, beets -- you name it -- and all of it doused with jalapeno sauce (yeah, even the beets), I could have fainted. I've gotten tougher, but until I was about 25, I was YOU. And it was all because of my father's sloppy eating habits.

Barrie said...

Hey! I also do the grilling around here. I even took a little (but hugely delicious!) night class in it. It is tough to eat healthy at a big gathering. It just is.

Search This Blog