Thursday, November 1, 2007

Random Funny Things My Kids Say ...

Cartoon role models:

The other day I caught my middle child jumping up and down while holding and then rubbing her nose furiously. When I asked her what she was doing, she replied “I’m trying to sneeze and fart at the same time.” Ok, I had to ask her why she wanted to do this to which she replied, “Cause in the cartoons if you sneeze you fall back and if you fart it pushes you forward so I want to know what happens if I do it at the same time.” My oldest daughter then replied, “I think all you do is stink up the house real bad cause you will probably poop your pants.”

The best birth control:

My youngest child asked me the other day, “Mommy, when I was in your tummy how did I go to the potty?” My older two girls perked up their ears to listen to this fascinating question. “Well it all came out when Mommy went to the potty.” My middle child immediately cried out “Yuck! You have peepee and poopoo in your stomach!” To which my oldest responded, “I am never having a baby!”

The real monster:

My kids were all acting scared and wanting to sleep with me in my bed when I asked them what was going on. They said they were scared of monsters. I replied, “There are no such things as monsters. The only thing you should be afraid of is if Daddy comes up and finds you out of bed.” My middle child responded, “Huh, and you said there was no such thing as monsters!”

Budding environmentalist:

My youngest was picking her nose and pulled out a big booger and I told her to use a tissue next time and she responded, “Mommy, you always said not to waste tissues and paper cause we're killing all the trees!”

Explosive secret:

My middle child came home and told me she had to tell me a secret. I asked her what was up. She said, “At school today I had to fart but I didn’t want to fart at my station cause I knew it would smell bad so I went to another station and farted and then ran away. But I didn’t know it would be SO stinky. I thought it would just be a little stinky. But it was really bad! It smelled like lots and lots of boiled eggs! Lots of them! I didn’t know my fart could smell like that! And then Grant said Phillip did a stinky fart and Phillip said Nuh, uh and that Grant must have done it and then everyone started going ‘ill, ill, someone farted!’ and teacher got so mad at both of them she gave them both letters (the school gives out letters for bad behavior). And she had to open the window to let some air in. But I didn’t tell anyone that it was me who did the stinky fart and Grant and Phillip got in trouble. I was too scared to admit that it was me that done it. Was that bad? Will God be angry with me? Mommy? Mommy why are you crying?”

28 comments:

Larramie said...

Although this falls into the category of "off the potty" humor, it really IS funny. ;) Yet I want to know, Ello, what are you feeding your children...beans!? *G*

Stephen Parrish said...

Tell your daughter not to worry. Grant and Phillip have no doubt gotten away with the same behavior. I know; I was a boy. We invented the Planted Fart.

SzélsőFa said...

Thanks for the laughs Ello!
My son has a habit of barfing out loud. He's been told it's impolite and he knows it well himself, so he apologies after barfing.

His routine goes like this:
BaAArf-I'm sorry-BaaAArrF-I'm sorry-BaaAArf-I'm sorry.

pacatrue said...

I'd write a longer comment, but I'm trying out the farting and sneezing simultaneously thing right now.

Precie said...

LMAO at paca!

That last one really just makes my day..."Mommy, why are you crying?"

These are priceless!

Bernita said...

Children are training in self-control.
I don't know how many times I strained to not burst out in fits of giggles.

March to the Sea said...

farts are funny..always have been always will be.

Chris Eldin said...

These are priceless! LMAO!!!
I like the farting/sneezing one the best. :-)

I always laugh at these kinds of stories.

And 'planted fart!' hahahaha! Boys are so gross.

Leigh Russell said...

I have to admit the last anecdote made me laugh out loud too. I see your daughter is already learning how to treat boys! I'm sure Grant and Philip deserved their letters for something else they got away with, or at least for being stupid enough not to realise the stink arrived just as your daughter skipped daintily away... I too wondered what you feed your children?

Lisa said...

My favorite thing about visiting this blog is, I just never know what I'm going to read :)

jason evans said...

A daughter with stealth. Very impressive. :)

Vesper said...

Absolutely lovely, Ello! :-) :-) :-)

Merry Monteleone said...

When I was a kid we used to blame the dog... yours is in for a bright future with such an inventive approach...

Wonderful post, ello, I'll be smiling all day.

Mary Witzl said...

I think your middle girl is super. I was a middle girl too, so I already was prejudiced towards her, but that story about Grant and Philip -- well, that's just priceless and she's my kind of girl.

When my kids went to nursery school in Japan, we had to take their temperature on a daily basis. (Silly rule) If I was really worried that they were feverish, I'd take it under both arms for a more accurate reading. One day my eldest got upset when I only took it under one arm. She insisted that I take it under both arms. Years later, I found out that she interpreted the 'take' in 'take your temperature' to mean 'extract' and not 'measure.' She'd thought I was just being lazy by not extracting the requisite amount of body heat.

Aine said...

ROFL-- that was simply the funniest! Thanks for the laughs (as I wipe the tears off my cheeks).

I'm sure your daughter will be very happy that she has perfected the skill of "planted farts" by the time she gets to college. Such graceful technique can save a feminine reputation!

moonrat said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

i love your kids. and i ask myself a lot of these questions everyday.

Charles Gramlich said...

Loooooolll. Gotta love kids. Once Josh and I were on the porch. He was about 4 and we had planted a very nice rose bush by the edge of the porch that was just starting to bloom beautifully. the phone rang and I stepped in to answer it. stepping back out about two minutes later I saw that josh had plucked off the biggest blooms and was tearing them apart.

"Josh!" I remonstrated with him. "What are you doing?"

He replied. "I'm blooming flowers with my hands, daddy."

I had to agree that he was and leave it at that.

David L. McAfee said...

So...what did happen when she farted and sneezed at the same time? Anything?

Those were too funny. Kids are hilarious.

Melissa Marsh said...

These are HILARIOUS, Ell! There are no better comedians than our own children. :)

Ello said...

My middle child has not yet mastered the sneezing and farting at the same time and has decided to ask everyone she meets if they have ever done it and what is it like. I have had to explain to her that this is an inappropriate question to ask random strangers but friends and family are now subjected to this. My middle child and my youngest are both picky eaters. Where as my oldest has a wide and interesting palette. The day of the stinky farts she was suffering from a bit of an upset stomach, which explains the stinky farts. She has also been known to name her farts by the food that she has eaten that day. Taco farts, pizza farts, hot dog farts, etc. Apparently chicken nuggets do not make you fart as she has not named it as a fart and that is a mainstay of her diet.

I am well aware that both boys and men are masters of the planted fart. The most irritating of all being the planted fart in the elevator. Shame on you boys!

preTzel said...

Ello - Tell your daughter that is called "crop dusting". My husband is a pro at the fart and run. I hate it because he will come up to tell me how beautiful I am and lean in for a kiss and it creates just enough of a breeze for his scent to waft up. NASTY!

Travis Erwin said...

those are some classic stories. Better hope those boys don't find your blog and find out who the real stinker was.

Leigh Russell said...

'ello Ello - Thank you for visiting my blog. I replied to your comment there. Please keep in touch and keep visiting. My plan is to write a new post every Wednesday - you're welcome to drop by any time and say hello. I love exchanging views with fellow writers.

sherry smyth said...

Children are hysterical especially when they aren't trying to be!!

Chris Eldin said...

OMG! I thought of you immediately!
This is a conversation this morning between my two urchins:
(I didn't think I talked like this around them. I hope they don't say this stuff in school!)


Lil' one: Why are you surrounding yourself with so much negativity?

Older one: Shut up.

Lil' one: Just let some positive energy out.

Older one: How's this? Burrrrppp!

Lil' one: hahaahhaaa!! Burrrpppp!

Robin S. said...

Oh, ello, I just read these - these are a freaking scream! Especially the first and last.
I love that your kids can speak so honestly to you! What a cool mom you must be.

Scarlett said...

You really need to post warning signs before reading further, as I had to clean off all the spit out tea from my desk.

My dad got a pair of binnoculars for Father's Day one year. We lived in a rural area and he wanted them for birdwatching. My mom called him in for dinner one night, by stating that he was being a peeping tom.

A week later, my sis teacher called him to inquire of the health and welfare of the family unit as my sister had "confessed" that her father was a peeping tom.

cindy said...

priceless, ello! i think the worst of the lot is the dutch oven, planting explosions under the warmth of the blanket. i never know till i have to readjust to settle down, then can't help but think i'm marinading in fart. the stinker.

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